What makes a “Real Man”?

We continue our meditations on healthy masculinity since it was young men in particular who essentially elected Mr. Trump on November 5.

In the Conclusion chapter of my book on the Sacred Masculine is a section called “False Masculinity: Real Men Eat Beef,” where I observe how society is continually trying to define for us what ‘real men’ do, what ‘real men’ are.  Rarely do these proposals serve the community or the sacred, rather they serve corporations or politics.

The ad that “real men eat beef” was no doubt paid for by the cattle growers association.  The phrase “real men” implies there are “unreal men”–by implication a feminine man.  Do men know when they are “real men”?  The ad appeals to a man’s self-doubt.  It appeals to his shame.  “How manly am I?”  “Do I pass the test of manliness?”

The truth is that too much beef can kill you.  And the methane released by cattle farting is a major faction in global warming.  And the amount of water and soil required to grow cattle is immense.  A “real man” is a man who cares for his own health and the health of the planet and does not become addicted to beef therefore.  He eats beef in moderation—if at all. 

The classic “Marlboro man” ads were effective at selling cigarettes but, the reality turned out to be that the very man who posed for those ads died painfully and prematurely of lung cancer.  So much for “real men” illusions. 

During the ill-conceived Iraq War that killed hundreds of thousands of innocent victims, tore the Middle East apart, and cost America over one trillion dollars, there arose this meme:  “Anyone can go to Baghdad.  Real men go to Tehran.”  Those shouting this meme were not content with the losses of the Iraq War but wanted a second war in Iran.  For them war proves you are a man.

Every man needs to take back his understanding of what it is to be male and to be authentically masculine.

What are signs of “real men”?  I propose the following:

Real men work to save the planet (and don’t call global warming a “hoax”).

Real men love Father Sky and are curious and eager to learn the new cosmology and where we—Sun, Moon, Earth and all its creatures–all come from.

Real men practice solitude and learn to tame the reptilian brain.

Real men meditate and are not afraid to look inside and see the nobility and the vastness that is there.

Real men care.  They awaken their mammalian brain to remain connected to their compassion, rather then let the win/lose and dominating mentality of the reptilian brain take over. 

Real men can recognize in sports a means, like meditation, to calm the reptilian brain by playing with it in games of winning and losing.  And learns to do both with grace.

Real men respect women.

Real men treat youth with respect and sport a fatherly Heart.  Part of such respect is leaving behind a healthy planet for their children and grandchildren.

Real men seek to be spiritual warriors who learn to battle (jihad) with oneself first, to overcome the temptations of power for power’s sake, greed, power-over.  They seek power-with (com-passion). 

Real men consider character a mark of manliness and equate virility with virtue and inner strength.

Real men are not afraid of the ‘dark night of the soul” but know that darkness has important things to teach them.

Real men use all the brains God has given them—the intellectual and rational brain and the intuitive and mystical brain.

Real men commit to both Joy and Justice and stand up for truth and against injustice.

Adapted from Matthew Fox, The Hidden Spirituality of Men: Ten Metaphors to Awaken the Sacred Masculine, pp. 282-285.

And Fox, The Tao of Thomas Aquinas: Fierce Wisdom for Hard Times, pp. 97-100. 

And Fox, Meditations with Meister Eckhart.

And Fox, Meister Eckhart: A Mystic-Warrior for Our Times.

And Fox, Sins of the Spirit, Blessings of the Flesh: Transforming Evil in Soul & Society.

Banner image: Man with his children. Photo by Juliane Liebermann on Unsplash

Queries for Contemplation

How do you apply these signs of authentic manliness and masculinity to the politics of our day?  What other signs would you name?

Recommended Reading

The Hidden Spirituality of Men: Ten Metaphors to Awaken the Sacred Masculine

To awaken what Fox calls “the sacred masculine,” he unearths ten metaphors, or archetypes, ranging from the Green Man, an ancient pagan symbol of our fundamental relationship with nature,  to the Spiritual Warrior….These timeless archetypes can inspire men to pursue their higher calling to connect to their deepest selves and to reinvent the world.
“Every man on this planet should read this book — not to mention every woman who wants to understand the struggles, often unconscious, that shape the men they know.” — Rabbi Michael Lerner, author of The Left Hand of God

The Tao of Thomas Aquinas: Fierce Wisdom for Hard Times

A stunning spiritual handbook drawn from the substantive teachings of Aquinas’ mystical/prophetic genius, offering a sublime roadmap for spirituality and action.
Foreword by Ilia Delio.
“What a wonderful book!  Only Matt Fox could bring to life the wisdom and brilliance of Aquinas with so much creativity. The Tao of Thomas Aquinas is a masterpiece.”
–Caroline Myss, author of Anatomy of the Spirit

Meditations with Meister Eckhart: A Centering Book

A centering book by Matthew Fox. This book of simple but rich meditations exemplifies the deep yet playful creation-centered spirituality of Meister Eckhart, Meister Eckhart was a 13th-century Dominican preacher who was a mystic, prophet, feminist, activist, defender of the poor, and advocate of creation-centered spirituality, who was condemned shortly after he died.
“These quiet presentations of spirituality are remarkable for their immediacy and clarity.” –Publishers Weekly.  

Meister Eckhart: A Mystic-Warrior For Our Time

While Matthew Fox recognizes that Meister Eckhart has influenced thinkers throughout history, he also wants to introduce Eckhart to today’s activists addressing contemporary crises. Toward that end, Fox creates dialogues between Eckhart and Carl Jung, Thich Nhat Hanh, Rabbi Heschel, Black Elk, Karl Marx, Rumi, Adrienne Rich, Dorothee Soelle, David Korten, Anita Roddick, Lily Yeh, M.C. Richards, and many others.
“Matthew Fox is perhaps the greatest writer on Meister Eckhart that has ever existed. (He) has successfully bridged a gap between Eckhart as a shamanistic personality and Eckhart as a post-modern mentor to the Inter-faith movement, to reveal just how cosmic Eckhart really is, and how remarkably relevant to today’s religious crisis! ” — Steven Herrmann, Author of Spiritual Democracy: The Wisdom of Early American Visionaries for the Journey Forward

Sins of the Spirit, Blessings of the Flesh: Transforming Evil in Soul and Society

Visionary theologian and best-selling author Matthew Fox offers a new theology of evil that fundamentally changes the traditional perception of good and evil and points the way to a more enlightened treatment of ourselves, one another, and all of nature. In comparing the Eastern tradition of the 7 chakras to the Western tradition of the 7 capital sins, Fox allows us to think creatively about our capacity for personal and institutional evil and what we can do about them. 
“A scholarly masterpiece embodying a better vision and depth of perception far beyond the grasp of any one single science.  A breath-taking analysis.” — Diarmuid O’Murchu, author of Quantum Theology: Spiritual Implications of the New Physics